A song I wrote today....

Your Beauty

I was trying so hard
working toward the prize
Trying to accomplish the dream
I held inside

But then You came along
brightened my life
Opened up my eyes

Chorus:
To see Your beauty
To see Your light
To see what You did for me
To see it's so right
You are the truth
You are the life
It's so amazing
and oh so right

I was running to win the race
so concerned about
Avoiding second place
You were on the sidelines
waiting for me
To answer Your call
to give it all
To you...

Chorus:
To see Your beauty
To see Your light
To see what You did for me
To see it's so right
You are the truth
You are the life
It's so amazing
and oh so right

You came and found me
You were always there
Waiting for me
the most amazing thing...
Your life was for me and
It's all free....

Chorus:
To see Your beauty
To see Your light
To see what You did for me
To see it's so right
You are the truth
You are the life
It's so amazing
and oh so right

I stole some quite time alone today to sit at my desk listening to the rain. The Lord is really doing a work on the inside of me and showing me that regardless of what situation I find myself in, His Spirit can lead me and guide me in joy and peace. I wrote this short entry in my notebook earlier today...

I Am Yours

Lord you can do awesome and amazing things - seemingly impossible things. Yet I know that Your power, Your Spirit, working through me can accomplish more than my dreams. You know me better than I know myself and you are working, orchastrating You plan for each day of my life. Lord, I want to submit to Your ways. I want to give You my life. You are the God who can move mountains and part seas. Who am I to stand in the way of what You want to do in and through me? Please mold me, ever-shaping me into the person you want me to be. Make me more and more like Jesus. Help me to believe the truth that even though I cannot see how I can get there from here - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phillipians 4:13). Oh Lord, my heavenly Father, I do not want to stand in Your way any longer. I do not want another moment to go by without You knowing that You can have all of me. Please take my plans, my education, my skills, any gift you have given me and, Lord, use them fully for Your glory. God, You gave those gifts and skills to me and I pray even though they have not always been used for You and they have not been used to their potential - take them now and use them for Your Kingdom. I praise You Lord for what You have done, for what You are doing, and for what You are going to do in and through my life. Thank you, God, that I can hand you my life and have complete trust in You alone. I am Yours.

I wanted to add that my pastor responded to an email I wrote him last week. In the email he said that he is so excited for what God is going to do in my life. He said that I have been through a painful loss and God will continue to give me day-by-day grace (which astounds me). He said that as I stay open to new ways that God wants me to grow, He will do Ephesians 3:20 kinds of things in my life. Of course, I immediately looked up Ephesians 3:20 and found (NIV)
Now to him who is able to do immeseasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations for ever and ever!
I am going to continue to study other translations of this verse. One more I will include for now. (The Message)
God can do anything, you know- far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. Glory to God in the church! Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus! Glory down all the generations! Glory through all millenia! Oh, yes!

I also wanted to add to the previous entry that when watching the sunrise I found mself realizing how huge God is... and how the sun does not come up every morning because God has it set on autopilot. Instead, He brings the sun out every morning to bring light to Earth! I just thought that was awesome. He is behind it all, the big and the small!

I returned from Virginia Beach late Thursday night. I absolutely love it there.... very beautiful. Then again, I think the ocean basically anywhere is amazingly beautiful. There are some creations in nature that illustrate God's hand at work and the ocean is definately one of them! The trip brought out many different aspects of what I feel God is teaching me at this time. I know many more are there but just not clear at this time. In fact, the ones I am aware of are not fully clarified. I know one of the things I am learning is that His Spirit lives inside us as believers and it has the power to change us. I knew this previously, but I did not understand the changes the Spirit can make in my life. I feel as I grow closer to God and allow the Spirit to take over more of me (or be more dominant in and through me) I not only experience such amazing peace, but I have contentment. I'm truly seeing how this makes all the difference. I can be in a million places, and I can be alone or surrounded, comfortable or in need and I know that I can make it through anything with Him who lives in the inside of me. He gives me this ability. So, there were different experiences on this vacation that I could almost view as small tests. Different occurences that would normally ruin my time seemed easier to overlook, and I was more able by the power of God to see the good, to see Him in it all. I know He is ever working in my life. I know that there is not a day or an hour that He has overlooked me. I do not want there to be a day or an hour in which I overlook Him! It is so comforting that no matter where I go or what I am doing no one can take Him away from me. He will never leave me or forsake me. Also, a large part of what I am taking away from this trip is the powerfulness of God. The visits to the ocean contained so many things that allowed me to see the magnitude of God and how small I am in comparison to all of eternity. It truly makes me think what that wonderful contemporary song by Casting Crowns says....
Who Am I?

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

If I could choose a song that sums up what I am taking away from this trip, then this would be it. I just love it. I am merely a wave tossed in the ocean... and yet God loves me so much. He has a special, unique plan for my life, and a place for me with Him for all eternity. This truth completely fills me. There is nothing else I could possibly want more. He just continues to amaze me with His love and with His grace everday. Watching the sunrise on the beach the last day we were there left me in awe of God. Such beauty He brings. He creates things that move me like nothing else can. The sky is truly His painting, His masterpiece of art. It makes me think that I can only imagine what lies on the other side of the sky. I have read C.S. Lewis's statement that Heaven is to Earth like a flower is to its root, not as the original is to its copy. How amazing this is that Heaven is an extension to Earth and yet it contains things of God we can only imagine. I long to be dwelling in His house truly forever. Also before and during this trip I have been coming to understand the importance of surrendering all areas of my life to God. I am learning how freeing this is! It is great to allow Him to work in everything, to just hand everything over to Him. I know that is where it all belongs. It just feels so right and truly gives me such freedom to know that He is there waiting for me to do just that. He wants me to give it all back to Him, place it all back in His hands. Besides, that is where it all came from anyway. I have such joy in my heart that He cares that much for me and the details of my life. I know that He is drawing me closer to Him each and every day and there is nothing I desire more. I know that His love I can only begin to understand... I feel like my mind cannot quite ever completely grasp it. When I think about placing things in God's hands it brings to my mind that I prayed for Jeff so frequently while we were together on Earth. I think about how I would tell God that Jeff was His child first before he was anything to me or to anyone and that I just places him back over into His hands. I know I need to do this now again. After all, that is just where Jeff is... resting in the hands of God, dancing with the angels. How I long to be that close to God. I know Jeff is more than good in his eternal dwelling place. He is where he belongs with who he belongs. My heart aches yet it also rejoices for him as he has made it there. I am so happy for him. That is one thing I know cannot be contained to words. I pray that our wonderfully amazing God continues to ever so gently and radically shape my beliefs and outlooks on Jeff's death, and that He continues to soften my heart to the needs of others around me, that he would tune me into Him above all and the work He wants to do in and through me, and I pray that I am able to particiapte in the grief share class at my church if it is God's will for me to do so, I pray He continues to use Jeff's move to Heaven to bring me closer to Him and that He continues to transform my heart, that He shape my heart to be more and more like Jesus's heart everyday. I praise God with every ounce of my being for His love which gives me the very life inside of me.

I got home last night from the trip. It was a fun but exhausting trip. Overall, it was a very humbling experience... I prayed for God to use me on this trip to touch those around me and I know He was working through me. I say it was a humbling experience because helping individuals in need of assistance for basic living tasks such as eating, showering, and walking really enables you to see Christ in others. Helping those truly in need just seems to fit so perfectly into God's plan for us. Serving others is such an amazing thing. I really love it. It definately can wear you out easily however. I think that is why I am desparately in need of some time alone to just relax, read, and take it easy for awhile. I am trying to do that, but there is so much that needs to be done. I am scheduled to leave for another trip to Virginia Beach, but in order to do that I need to finish cleaning out my old house for my Dad. The money from that will help pay for my sister and I to have money for food and gas on the trip. There I am definately looking forward to getting some much needed reflection time. Time to just think, pray, and seek God and His plan for me. Right now I know I am just in the middle. I have come through so much only by His grace alone. He truly is my strength. I cannot imagine what I would have done when my boyfriend, my true best friend, moved to Heaven without Him. Only through Him have I been able to begin to come through this. My view on life, the new light I am able to see everything through amazes me. I know it is all from God alone. He is truly giving me the strength, courage, and hope to see Him through it all. I know He is there... He has always been there and will always be! That's so wonderfully comforting. He is more than enough for me. Speaking of that I love the song "Enough" that says "all of you is more than enough for all of me". How true that is. He is all I need.

God is awesome. I really know His promise in Jeremiah 29:11 is true. He really does have a plan for us, to give us a future and a hope. He's such a God of love. I truly trust His plans for me, and I have this feeling that they contain things I totally would not expect. God just works that way though. Anyways, saturday night service was awesome. God really spoke through Pastor Stan in order to give our church a message about stewardship. Money is a difficult issue for many people, including many Christians. I know I have struggled in that area, and I really have been trusting the Lord with all of that now in my life. Pastor Stan helped me to see that God merely uses whoever writes my paycheck to bless me with that money. It all comes from God. He is so very faithful. Although I do not make very much money right now as I am in school, I realize that God truly got me the job I have now. I had been working in a place that did not have a good environment at all. I tried to be a light there, and I pray I made an impact... It was definately difficult. Circumstances led me to quit that job, and I prayed about this move and about a new job. God brought my current place of employment into my life. It's a job I truly love and has higher pay than the one I was at. I know I owe that money to Him. I know it can be challenging at times to tithe correctly when financially it seems ends will not meet. I think it's about making that leap of faith and tithing first even when it looks impossible. Our God is the God of the impossible. He is a God who can move mountains, and separate seas. I do not want to limit Him in my life. Speaking of tithing being the first action you make when you receive your paycheck, I like this scripture verse:
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see ~Hebrews 11:1
On that awesome note about faith, I am off to bed. We leave tomorrow for vacation with work! Yea! Praying God uses me in any way He can on the trip, for our safety, and for God to speak to me through the book I will begin on the trip, Heaven by Randy Alcorn.

Just got home and came up to campus with my sister. Service tonight was wonderful... It was broadcasted via satillite in 77 locations in the U.S. It's the beginning of the Leadership Summit. Anyways, tonight the message was on focusing on God even through our circumstances. For example, do we get so caught up in the problems in our lives that we cannot see God and His plan for our lives? It's difficult to be in the midst of many problems in life and look past all that and remember that God is still working and divinely orchastrating His plans for us. Yes, He is still working when it looks dark to us. He is still working when we thought He forgot us. He is still working when we ignore Him. He is still working when nothing seems to be going right in our lives. It is truly amazing. The thing is sometimes this can be hard to accept... hard to accept that He still has His hand in it all when everything seems to be going wrong to you (wrong according to the plan you had for your life). I know I am dealing with that all now. I feel upset that the plan that I thought I wanted and God wanted for my life has been changed. Well, obviously, since the other half of my plan is in Heaven. I know, however, that God has a better view from His side of the sky on all of this. He can see things I cannot see. He knows what He is doing, and I just have to trust Him. That means even when I have no clue where He is leading me I just have to continuously reaffirm my trust in Him that I trust His plan. My plan was nice... it got my a ways down the road, but His plan is truly magnificent. I wouldn't trade his plan for anything. All I know is I have been having a kinda down week and this sermon tonight really spoke to me. I really thank God for that.
Lovely lyrics to a song... (I know I love music...)

Restored
by Jeremy Camp

All this time I've wandered around
Searching for the things I'll never know
I've been searching for this answer that
Only will be found in your love
And I feel it my heart is being mended by your touch
And I hear it your voice that's shown my purpose in this world
You have restored me from my feeble and broken soul
You have restored me (2x)
I've only come to realize my strength will be made perfect at your throne
Laying all reflections down to see the precious beauty that you've shown
And I feel it my heart is being mended by your touch
And I hear it your voice that's shown my purpose in this world
You have restored me from my feeble and broken soul
You have restored me (2x)Laying all these questions down
You've answered what I need You've given more than I deserve
You're making me complete
You've given all these open doors
I'm humbled at your feet
Because of what you've done for me

I've been busy, running around trying to finish cleaning out my old house which is taking longer than I expected. There's so many memories in that place, especially since it used to be my grandparents' home. I got to ride the new 4 wheeler on my Dad's property last night. I love that thing! It can go up to like 70mph, but 30mph feels extremely fast (which I love)! Anyways, I have church tonight for wednesday night service. They call it Access and it's a contemporary adult service that teaches the Word in practical, life-giving ways. I haven't always attended Wednesday nights, but whenever I do I am always so glad I showed up that night. I always leave getting so much out of it. God really uses my pastors to speak into our lives. We had been studying the book of Philemon in the Bible, but I think we are finished with that. It was a wonderful series on change (a changed attitude, changed perspective, a changed legacy). It really helped to see things in the big scheme of things. It seems like a difficult question to ask yourself "what will I leave as my legacy?". It's like will I even have one? I really hope I leave one... I want to make a mark on this world for God. I know there are so many hurting people out there and I want to get to as many of them as I can to bring the hope of Jesus. He brings me everything I need and more. I don't know what I would do without him. I love that song "Better is One Day" that goes on to say "better is one day in your courts than a thousand days elsewhere"... It's so true for me. One day knowing Jesus as my Savior, the light of my life, and the One who never fails me is better than a thousand days anywhere else! Knowing this to be true gives me such joy. Well, I know tonight will be an awesome service. Recently, the young people at my church (high-schoolers) have really been doing amazing things. They do these live dramas to music that basically preach the gospel in very relavant, current terms. They even take these skits/dances to the streets in inner cities around here! For example, one of the ones I saw had a group of teenagers drinking and smoking pot and then one guy finds Jesus and breaks away from the group and away from that lifestyle. Afterwards, he ends up convincing one of the girls to come with him. I don't know, but I do not that it really speaks to that age group. I think it is amazing that God is working through them in this way. I just found out today that for the trip to Gatlinburg next week with my work my boss is coming along with us. It should be totally fine though because she is really cool and not too much older than me. She's letting me test drive the 15-passenger van tomorrow so I don't get us into to too much trouble driving down there! lol My Mom has been really difficult to deal with lately. She's been having anger outbursts which annoy pretty much all of the rest of the family. I know it has to be difficult for her being a single mom of 5 kids. I try to understand. I wish I could help her more than I can. There's just so much she has to do on her own for herself that I cannot do anything about. I'm reading this book published in the 50s I think called Let Go and Let God. It's pretty good and gives me practical ways to let God be involved in all the areas of my life. I could always use more of that I know. I read a Max Lucado book not too long ago that was wonderful, A Heart Like Jesus. I hope to find time to read more of his books before school starts back up. Hmm maybe I can bring some on vacation with me... Well, I'll probably write more about how service goes tonight.

I can't wait to go on vacation with the residents of the group home I work in (not to mention it will be wonderful to get paid 16 hrs out of every day we are there). It's just a trip to Gatlinburg, TN, but getting away sounds very good. I'm just gonna bring some books to read, a notebook to write in, my bathing suit for the jacuzzi of couse (can't wait), and cameras for pics of the staff and the girls. I am hoping we get to hike to the top of some mountain there in which case I will definately get pictures there. I am not sure what activities we will be doing with the girls, but I know we will have fun. They always make me laugh. After that trip I cannot wait to get away truly to go to Virginia Beach. I have been wanting to go to the ocean for like 2 summers now. I'm looking forward to getting that time to relax and think without deadlines which I know will be great to do before school starts and I am overloaded with reading and studying. I just want to get through this last quarter. It will mean so much to me to be finished with my bachelors, especially if I can finish this last quarter on the dean's list again. It's like a personal accomplishment that feels good even if it is what I expect of myself anyways. It is hard work, but it is worth it. I'm still praying about which grad school to go to, but that has been on the back burner. I just trust God will bring me to where He wants me to be. I don't worry about the future anymore. Thank God I don't. That was really not fun and I was always overwhelmed. I could never be ahead of the game enough. Now I am really trying to hang onto the truth that I should live in today, tomorrow has enough worries of its own. On that note I'll end this entry.

My mind is filled with many thoughts and I smile thinking how amazing is the One who created all of this. I went on a beautiful hike today up and around a nearby dam, and I found myself (as I do so often) in amazement of the beauty of nature. All of the details that went into its planning... the sunset's colors, the soft look of the clouds, the beauty in wild flowers, the forest, and all the trees it contains... and to imagine God is saying "I love you" to each of us through this wonder. It is all around us everyday like His arms wrapping us in a loving embrace, forever confirming the fact that He is God. I look back over the time that has passed since my bf passed over and it seems so strange that it can actually be quantified. I mean in a sense it has been such a blur and in another way it has made things so much clearer. It is like I do not know what is in store, but I complete trust in God for it all. So, I am not worrying about what lies around the corner. To be able to have that feeling is truly amazing, especially since I used to struggle with anxiety. God is awesome and can restore anything if we just hand it over to Him and let Him. He is more than willing. I've learned that He is more than enough for me. It's like He fills me up, and I never want that to end. I just pray He keeps filling me so it can overflow into other people's lives. I really want Him to use me, work through me to touch others. I don't care if it's words or actions or something I am not even aware of, but I just pray that he uses me for His will. There was an old man in the cemetary I had seen quite often. For some reason he had been on my mind during the week, and as I was thinking about him I asked God to help me know what to say to him. He would drive up slowly in his car, park beside what appeared to be his wife's grave, and get out of the car to sit by her grave. My heart hurt for him, and I found myself desirign to do anything I could to touch his life in some way. I was waiting for God to give me the words or actions. After all, I had never met him before and had no idea if he was friendly or if he wanted his privacy, ect. One day shortly after I had been thinking about him I was standing across the graveyard from where he was and I was praying about different things. I told God that I wanted Him to help me be brave in my faith and help me to hear His voice especially if He was calling me to go somewhere specific like on a mission trip or to a special school or place. Then, I said "even if it means you want me to walk across this graveyard to talk to this old man". Immediately after this I opened my eyes as I felt someone approaching me. Can you guess who it was? The old man from across the way! He was about 5 yards away and asking me if I wanted my privacy. I told him it was fine, and we introduced ourselves, and spoke about who we knew in the cemetary. He had lost his wife 18 months ago, and he mentioned that it was tough, looking for me to agree. I did, of course, and you could tell he found some comfort in that. He said he had seen me there before and that he usually says hi to anyone he sees nearby. I told him that I would definately stop over to talk with him when I see him again. I hope I didnt miss an opportunity to say something about how God is carrying me through this. I want more than anything for that man to experience the peace and love of being carried through a crisis by Jesus. I pray I get to talk again soon to that man who was such an obvious answer to prayer even if it was in a way I would not have imagined. I think God sends people into your life for a reason, and it is amazing to know that and just trust that you fulfill the purpose He intends for it all. Well, that's all of that story for now, but I will give any updates. lol