It's Christmas time! This year I am really about putting the "Christ" back into Christmas. I want to embrace that this time of year is a celebration of Jesus Christ's birth into the world. It is not about me, and it is not about presents or anyone else. I think that is so important to remember today. I have almost all of my shopping finished, and I am ready to relax and spend the holiday in a meaningful way this year. Family will be coming over on Christmas Eve to have dinner, exchange gifts, and hang out. I look forward to it. Tomorrow night is my work Christmas party for the group home I work in. This job and the opportunity I have had to get to know these girls who have various developmental disorders has been such a blessing to me. Their joy and their struggles encourage me and often times uplift me. I have been working on finishing my application essay for graduate schools tonight. I know it is nowhere near perfect, but I hope it works. I am sending the application packets off tomorrow. I know it will feel great to have that out of the way! I want to include the lyrics to this new song that really speaks of the gift God gives us through His Son - His grace which allows us to freely come to God anytime.

Only Grace
by Matthew West

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday
has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy
And believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy
And believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There's nothing left now
There's only grace

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Get back up again

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy
And believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There's nothing left now
There's only grace

There's only mercy
And believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
There's nothing left now
There's only grace

So get back up, get back up again 

I am graduated from college on November 19th! Praise God. He alone got me here. He alone was my strength to complete my degree, and I pray He uses it for His glory. I am so excited about this time off from school I will have for a few months. I plan to begin graduate school in the Fall of 2006. I have many books I desire to read during this break, but most importantly I plan to spend a lot of my time in God's Word. A couple days after graduation I was up late one night and felt God calling me to read the entire Bible. So, I designed a reading plan to read the Bible in 6 months (not including the Minor Prophets). This past quarter in school I just completed a Biblical Prophets course in which we studied the Minor Prophets. It was great.
I find myself now wondering what to do with my time and at the same time how I can fit it all in. I've been sick for the past couple weeks. First, it started with cold and flu symptoms, and I went to the doctor a week later to find I had an ear infection. He put me on an antibiotic to treat the infection, but then as I finished taking the medicine I am now having a reaction to ending the medication much like a stomach flu. I have read that it's common after taking this specific antibiotic, but I may need to go back to the doctor if it continues in order to get treated. I God to get me through all of it. Reading His Word each day fills me with such hope and joy. I feel a contentment and a peace that's so wonderfully awesome.
I have started to read As Silver Refined by Kay Arthur which is an amazing book about learning to embrace life's disappointments. While emphasizing God's sovereignty the book teaches that our disappointments are His appointments. I am only through chapter 1 and find it inspiring. I desire to look at the trials in my life from God's perspective not from my perspective. God references many times in Scripture that He is refining us as silver. I think this analogy paints such a powerful picture of the process we go through as believers to become more like Christ. In Isaiah 48:10 we see that God tests us so as to refine us. He tests us in "the furnace of affliction". This process can be painful and it is all worth it. I believe that is the amazing part... that all the pain and trials we go through in life are all worth it if as a result we become more like Him, that He can see His reflection a little better in us.
A familar, beautiful song I love talks about choosing to listen to God's voice in all circumstances in life, especially in those circumstances that bring confusion, doubt, and fear. Sure, many voices are speaking to us, but are we listening to His?

Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

It's been a busy road to get me to the week before graduation... Our sermon series on Real Spiritual Power was absolutely awesome, and it is now over. Pastor Stan really touched on some powerful stuff about making sure we are aligned (Spirit, soul, and body - in that order) with his Holy Spirit. Then we discussed surrending all areas of our lives to God - I don't think I even need to (or could) say how powerful this was. It's really a matter of trust, and giving all your worries, fears, ect to God. They all belong to him anyway and Jesus Christ died on the cross in order for us to have life, and life more abundantly. All of our fears, sicknesses, problems were all conquered including death! All of this by God sending His only Son to die for us, something He had planned before the beginning of time. We later dealt with our words (what we speak to other people and to our selves). Proverbs 18:21 "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." The Bible also tells us in Ephesians 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." The last week Pastor taught us about cleansing and not giving the devil a foothold in our lives (these can turn into strongholds in our lives). The awesome part of this is that we canbe confident that our strongholds can come down because of His Spirit living in us! Romans 8:37 "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." This is such incredible news, and I am just so thankful that God gives us the ability to not only get through our trials in life through His Spirit but also the ability to more than conquer. The truth of His Word really does give us such freedom and hope. "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32. Here the Word tells us that the truth (of Jesus Christ) sets us free. Recently I have been struggling with anxiety, and I know that the power I need to overcome this is within me - the Holy Spirit. I have been continuing to work n this and remember the truth of God's promises. I'll end with a wonderful Scripture verse I stumbled upon yesterday that brougt me such comfort. "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you." Isaiah 43:2.

Sunday... my favorite day of the week. I volunteered in the nursery at church this morning, and had a blast. I love the kids, and they always end up being such a blessing to me. This morning was especially hectic and rewarding because we had so many children with two helpers (myself and another lady). For some kids it was there first time visiting our church, and we had 2 6-month-olds who were absolutely adorable. Both of them liked to be held, however, so it was a challenge to meet all of their needs. Thankfully we did end up receiving more help from a younger girl who had a desire to assist us with the little ones :) I just wanted to share some about my blessed morning. I arrived early awhile before service was scheduled to begin, and one little 1 1/2-year-old boy who I have known for awhile came running into the nursery holding a book that he seemed very proud of. I asked him what he brought in today, and I couldn't understand his answer so I asked him if he wanted me to read it to him. He quickly and excitedly answered "yes". As I grabbed the book I realized it was a Baby's Bible, and I began reading to the little boy about Adam and Eve. After I read about a new person he would repeat the names of those individuals when I prompted him to do so. When I got to the last page, however, and Jesus was introduced he immediately started shouting "Jesus! Jesus!" It was so awesome to see this little 1-year-boy so excited because he knew about Jesus. He had the biggest contagious smile as he pointed to the page with Jesus' picture on it. I know I am blessed to get the opportunity to help these children!
The Lord has really been speaking to me through a book I felt prompted to read this weekend. It is challenging me, humbling me, and teaching me about God's call for us to love the world. At the end of each chapter it asks me questions that you are supposed to answer before turning the page. These always hit home for me along with all the awesome stories of the many missionaries serving around the world. Many of these giving individuals are serving in dangerous, war-torn countries in which even basic medical care is essentially non-existent. They giving of their time, their resources, their lives, and mostly of their hearts to the millions of hurting people in our world today. Even so far in the book the many stories of these extraordinary missionaries and how God has called them to be His hands and feet have broken my heart. I am finding the reading of this book to be an emotional rollercoaster for me. It's as if God is taking each of the stories presented and speaking directly to me. I wanted to include an excert from Make A Difference: Responding to God's Call to Love the World that especially spoke to me. This scene takes place in Sarajevo, Bosnia where the author of this book, Melvin Cheatham meets a humble Bosnian neurosurgeon named Dr. Josip Jurisic...

"How can can he keep giving day after day?" I wondered. Then, a few days later, Dr. Josip amazed me with the answer. He reached in his wallet, took out a crinkled-up photograph ans said to me, 'This is me saying good-bye to my wife and small son as they were being evacuated from Sarajevo at the beginning of the war.' The photo showed Dr. Josip standing alongside the bus. His hand was on the outside of the bus window pressed against the outstretched hand of his young son on the inside of the bus, who in that moment wanted just one more time to touch his daddy. At that moment they were separated only by the thickness of the pane of glass, but it was a separation Dr. Josip realized might be for the rest of their lives. "My pregnant wife waved and my son waved and I waved,' he said. 'And that was it. The bus left. I watched until there was nothing left but a few whiffs of diesel exhaust, and they were gone. Then I went back inside the hospital and began caring for yet another patient, and another, then another.' Dr. Josip told me how after seeing his family safely sent away, he prayed God might protect his wife, small, son, and unborn baby, and then he said, 'My life is in Your hands. Please use me to care for the people who are being wounded in this terrible war.' I believe that as he looked into the eyes of his hurting patients, he saw the tears of his own wife and small son, and that prepared him to give his own life, if necesary, in order to bring help and hope to others. Out of his pain, Dr. Josip found a new compassion that says to another, 'I know what you're feeling. I know what it's like to hurt. By sharing what I have with you, God will turn my heartache into your blessing.' "
Immediately after reading this touching story I realized for real that God is calling me to use my story, my pain from Jeff's death in the same way. I love how in the story it states that after Dr. Josip watched his family being safely sent away, he prayed God would use him to help others. For me I know Jeff was safely taken away from this Earth in God's loving arms. God left me here on this Earth, however, for a reason - He still has much He desires for me to do here. I pray that God will give me the strength and the heart of Jesus to be able to fully live Dr. Josip's statement "By sharing what I have with you, God will turn my heartache into your blessing."

It's been quite awhile since I have written. Needless to say I have been busy in life. I am definately feeling the need to slow down and pay attention to the things that matter most in life. My last breath here on Earth could be tomorrow so I need to remember to live that way. I think of that and it brings up in me an ache for God. An ache to be with Him, closer to Him even now. Thanks to Jesus Christ's death on a cross people who believe in him will get to be with God for all eternity, dwelling in His Love, dancing with joy, and breathing deep of His unimaginable peace. I know that even when I stretch the depths of my imagination I still cannot grasp just what it will be like in Heaven. I do know I long to go there when my days here are up. I trust God that He has ordered my steps as His word says and ordained my days. On the topic of limited time here on Earth, have you thought about what you want to do with the rest of yours? Sure we have all thought about it, and thought about what we wanted to accomplish, where we wanted to travel or see, or who we wanted to be with or who we wanted to be like - but, have we really thought about what He desires for us to accomplish, the plans He wants us to fulfill, the places He wants us to travel, and who He wants us to be like? I know these are hard questions, and at the same time I know these are some of the most important questions we can ask ourselves. His plans for our lives are so much better than anything we could want for ourselves. A book I was reading today brought questions like these up to me today, and the author Melvin Cheatham asked me to answer these questions honestly to myself before turning the page:

~Do you want to make a difference by responding to God's call to love the world?
~Have I taken the time to be quiet and listen so I can hear God's voice?
~ How will I answer the question, "What have you done for Me, in the living of your life?"

That last question hit me hard. I know one day all of us will be in front of the Lord face to face and we must answer this question. What did I do for Him while I was on Earth? I thank God that as believers we do not need to worry about trying with our own might to explain away all our sin. No, by saying yes to Jesus we are allowing his blood to cover us too so that we are forgiven and permitted to dwell eternally in Heaven, a place we ourselves could not ever deserve on our own. We don't have to feel guilt, shame, or fear. With Jesus in our hearts we truly begin living. We were all created by Him and for Him alone, and when we live in this light we can truly feel complete. The truth of the matter is nothing else in this life can satisfy us except for the love of God. He made us that way! That we would find our purpose in Him. I am including this new song by Mercy Me, one of my favorite groups, which captures some of the very realizations that come when I find myself answering those questions mentioned above. The reality is that Jesus could come back to Earth at any time, my next breath could be my final breath. One thing is for sure - it will be in the blink of an eye. There will be no time to think about it, no time to change what I did or did not do here on Earth, no time to say "I am sorry" or "I love you", no further opportunity to ask for forgiveness or lead someone to Christ. The book of my life will be closed, and what can I tell God about what all the pages in between contained?

In the Blink of An Eye
by Mercy Me

You put me here for a reason
You have a mission for me
You knew my name and You called it
Long before I learned to breathe

Sometimes I feel disappointed
By the way I spend my time
How can I further Your kingdom
When I'm so wrapped up in mine

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye

And though I'm living a good life
Can my life be something great?
I have to answer the question
Before it's too late

Cause in a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye

If I give the very best of me
That becomes my legacy
So tell me what am I waiting for?
What am I waiting for?

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye

God has been doing such amazing things in my life, even or especially in the midst of this trial in my life. I feel such peace about Jeff, knowing that he has already made it to Heaven and that is a huge reason for rejoicing! I praise God for that! The Lord is helping me to see that the single most important thing in this life here on earth is getting your name written in the Book of Life. This book contains the names of those who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior by admitting that we are sinners who can do nothing to redeem ourselves in the eyes of God except by accepting the sacrifice Jesus made for us by dying on a cross for our sins. At this moment our eternal destination is forever changed. Having been destined for eternity in Hell, by the blood of Jesus we are promised eternity in God's presence in Heaven. We cannot earn this. There is nothing we could ever do to get to Heaven on our own. It is only through accepting Jesus Christ as Lord of our lives.
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ~ John 3:16
The Book of Life, then, is of upmost importance. In the last book of the Bible, we see that
If anyone's name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire. ~Revelation 20:15
There is no decision in life which is more critical than your decision about Jesus Christ. By not accepting him as Lord and Savior we are denying him. By asking for God's forgiveness for our sins and accepting Jesus and the death he suffered and died for us we inherit his glorious kingdom, the Kingdom of Heaven in which
However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" - but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. ~1Corinithians 2:9
It is by taking this beautiful leap of faith, and trusting in God who sent His only Son to die for you that you truly are given meaning and purpose and a never-ending love in which you will forever grow deeper in for all of eternity. Jesus brings the greatest hope of all into our hearts and into our lives by saving us and forever loving us, reconciling us with God the Father.
A great nugget of truth to ponder on:
Neither height not depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~ Romans 8:39

I came across this piece I wrote awhile back which was inspired during my quiet time with God. It came to me in the form of questions, so this is how I quickly wrote it...

Unworthiness- evermore reason why we need Jesus. None of us measure up, we can not measure up. Allow Jesus to save you, accept the sacrifice he made for you. I know you do not want to settle for something less than God's plan (that makes sense and is smart).
What if God's plan was forus to realize Him and see it is all about Him and purpose is given or found in us becoming more like Him?
What if no matter what or who the journey pairs us with or connects us to, it is suppossed to be realized or found by trusting in Him and becoming who He wants us to be?
What if this affects all other parts of our lives? (It would make sense, wouldn't it since accepting Jesus as Savior and believing in God changes our outlook on everything and really does change our lives)
What if everything else can only be made whole or complete in our lives when we are dedicated to becoming who He wants us to be?
What if it can only occur by understanding those things God has foremost called us to?
What if that is the reason Christian marriages in which both partners are believers sometimes still fail?
What if it is due to OURSELVES?
What if by us focusing on ourselves and our goals for the future (future career, future school, degree, or relationship) we bypass what God has for us in the here and now?
What if our purpose is already there, in front of us, left unrealized?
What if it is not a matter of a new job or a new mate that will lead us to our purpose?
What if it's simply our lack of understanding that keeps us blind to seeing the purpose that already surrounds us?
What if we will remain this way, praying and not realizing we already hold the answer?
What if instead of thinking something is not right so it must be the situation we stopped to think it may be ourselves? (What if it is us who is not right?)
Do we need to ask for forgiveness for blaming everything else but ourselves?
Do we find ourselves with many excuses for our behavior? (not truly apologizing)
What if God already provided all we need to experience our purpose in life and we keep ourselves blind to it and apart from it due to our failure to ask Him to forgive us of all our mistakes and to make us more like Him?
What if we keep asking "God, who is the person you want me to marry?" "God, where do you want me to live?" when all God wants to hear is "God, WHO do you want me to be?"
What if by us becoming more and more like this person He called us to be (more like Jesus) our eyes opened to the meaning surrounding us?


After running across that piece I wanted to put it on here. I think it's powerful. I am off to do more studying and hopefully get outside on this gorgeous day!

Time has remained a precious commodity right now. School is going well, and there is always studying, reading, and papers to write. Currently I am working on my paper on one of the Minor Prophets Books in the Old Testament, Zephaniah. It is a blessing to get to study scripture for school. In my research today I came across an article that examined the major themes of Zephaniah, and I appreciated that the author mentioned that we tend to not focus on books such as Zephaniah. It seems almost as if we somehow think these shorter books are less important than others. As an author he emphasized using each and every verse of Zephaniah as facts pertaining to the author's theology. This article made me stop and think about how I know I do at least tend to overlook some of the shorter books of scripture, more specifically, the Book of the 12 Minor Prophets. I do not believe these books are of less importance than other books of the Bible so I am not sure why my tendency remains to divert my focus elsewhere. I am going to try to learn more about these books in the future. (It does help that one of my classes now is Biblical Prophets and History):) My class at church on Monday nights is going great. We talk about challenging subjects, why we undergo suffering and trials in life. It has been amazing so far, and I can tell that I am not going to want it to end. It's a blessing to have the teacher I do, and I appreciate her willingness to invite the Holy Spirit to work through her in each class. Also, it's wonderful to hear others' experiences and what they have learned in life.
Last week we looked at the Thessalonians and how they suffered because they embraced the gospel. They did not try to run from their troubles, however. Instead, they trusted God and He alone enabled them to perservere. This Monday we took a closer look at Paul to discover why believers suffer and the what forms of suffering exist. We looked at Acts 9:15-16 But the Lord said to him, "Go, for he is a chosen instrument of Mine, to bear My name before the Gentiles and kings and the sons of Israel; for I will show him how much he must suffer for My name's sake." in order to see why Paul suffered. We deducted from this passage that Paul suffered for Christ's name's sake. We then looked at Acts 13:44-45, 49-50 and saw that the Jews responded to Paul's preaching of the Word of God by contradicting it and blaspheming. It seems you can expect to come against opposition and even suffering while trying to proclaim God's truth. 2 Timothy 3:10-12 was studied and we concluded that Paul had been dealing with persecutions and suffering that he endured. God rescued him out of them all. Timothy was following Paul's example. We can learn from Paul's example how to endure by remembering God's grace is sufficient for us, and that we should expect suffering. I love the next passage that we studied - 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 For we do not want you to be unaware, bretheren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond out strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead." From this passage we saw that the purpose of this suffering was so that they would trust God NOT themselves. I think that is a powerful lesson, and we spoke of how worrying and being anxious about things in our lives is a form of not trusting God. I have heard this before, but wow. haha That's all I will say about that. I did learn, though, to be aware of ways I trust myself (and by doing so I am not trusting Him). Next, we read 2 Corinthians 4:7-11 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted but not foresaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that teh life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh." They suffered in many ways, but they were not destroyed. This leads us to the conclusion they must have been trusting in God as their foundation. We are told that they are suffering in order for the life of Jesus to be revealed in our mortal flesh. God's role in all of this was to give them the power to overcome by the Holy Spirit. This Spirit which lives inside of believers in Christ is the same spirit that raised Jesus from the dead! We spoke about so much more in the study which I may add at a later time, but for now I will end on this joyous note.

I would normally be at Wednesday night service at church, but we did not have regular service tonight and I am finding myself getting to just sit and take a break. I think those are much needed. I have been reflecting on God's love and how He loves us too much to leave us where we are. It is so fulfilling that He wants us to continually grow in our relationship with Him. I find myself amazed at what God is doing in my life through His Word. I am about half way through my 180-day Bible tour (readings from the Bible that outlines all the main stories), and I know it cannot be put into words how much this has blessed me life and brought me closer to God. I find things reminding me of different Scripture verses, and the Holy Spirit bringing these verses to my mind has just been so powerful. In my Biblical Prophets and History class I am beginning to work on a paper about the Book of Zephaniah. In fact, I just made some copies at the campus library from some very helpful reference books. I am excited about writing the paper because I get to study God's Word and get course credit! How awesome is that? Sorry, lol I am just really thankful for the opportunity. I have been thinking and praying about my plans after I graduate in November. For the past year I have been assuming that I would apply to graduate schools for programs in clinical psychology, working towards getting licensed as a counselor. Well, God continues to change my plans for the future and I have been seriously considering going to graduate school foremost for a Master of Arts in Theology or Biblical Studies. From there I could go on for my Ph.D in Clinical Psychology. The Masters in Theology would enable me to get a firm foundation in the Bible before pursuing counseling. I desire to pursue God's will for my days here on Earth. I want to include another uplifiting song's lyrics which reminds me to live my life for an audience of one, God alone.

The Way I Was Made
by Chris Tomlin

Caught in the half-light, I�m caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise, and the radio
Feels like I'm tied up, what's holding me?
Juts praying today will be the day I go Free.

Chorus:
I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around.
I want to sing like no one's listening.
Before I lay my body down

I want to give like I have plenty.
I want to love like I'm not afraid.
I want to be the man I was meant to be.
I want to be the way I was made.

Made in Your likeness, made in Your hands.
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I've forgotten help me to find.
All that You've promised let it be in my life.

Wow, it has been busy. I haven't gotten a chance to write in here for a few days. My classes are taking a lot of my time right now, but it brings me joy knowing this is what God has for me right now in my life. I just returned home from my precepts class at church. It was uplifting, and we are discussing the role of suffering in people's lives. It is so amazing that God such purpose in our suffering. I will have to include things we talked about in the class in my next entry. As I am on the topic of suffering and trials that are placed in our lives, I must just again say that I truly praise God for giving me such strength and such joy these last few months. Since Jeff has moved to Heaven it has been and continues to be such a transformingly beautiful experience. I know this does seem strange to say because of course I did not want him to go nor am I denying the pain it has brought into my life. I mean to say that God bringing this loss into my life has done so much in the way of shaping me as a person. He continues to draw me closer to Him through all of this as I trust Him truly with my life. Giving your life completely over to Him is so freeing and fulfilling. I continue to be amazed at how much God loves me, how deep His love is for all of us. I will go ahead and say that it was said tonight in class that when God gives us trials or suffering we should consider it a compliment because it means He trusts us to perservere through it and all the while bring glory to His name. He intends for that, for us to trust Him all the way through the pain, and He trusts us to do that. I think that is so awesome. I wanted to include a song that plays on KLove, the radio station I listen to day and night, that has spoken to me over these last few months. It's beautiful.

Held
by Natalie Grant
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Truthfully, it has been an emotional last few days. September 11th was Jeff's birthday, and I ended up getting together with a lot of his family to have a memorial ceremony type thing at his grave where we did a baloon launch (the balloons of course in Ohio State colors lol). It was a beautiful day, and just the night before at his grave I had been spending time there with God, hoping to just dedicate that time to God and anything He would want me to hear. As I was coming back around the cemetary at the end of my walk, God brought to my mind that Jeff's earthly birthday was September 11, but how much more awesome and important was his birthday into Heaven! It brought such joy to my soul to stop and think about that... I know to God and even to Jeff now how much more significance and love that day must possess. How wonderfully fulfilling to think upon that day for ourselves... the day when we will reach those Heavenly gates, when we will see God face to face, and live in his presence for all eternity, experiencing his love to the fullness in which he is. I can only imagine...
However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" - but God has revealed it to us by His Spirit. ~ 1 Corinthians 2:9-10

God has just been more than truly amazing with the joy He gives me despite the situations and experiences I experience here in this life. I cannot even begin to describe or understand it except to say that it is only through Him and His Spirit that such a life, such a type of enduring joy could possibly exist in me, a soul that was broken, a heart that was so terribly aching. I really praise Him for that, and I cannot imagine what I would do without Him drawing me closer to Him each and every day. As He reveals His love to me I cannot help but be overwhelmed and to think that I do not deserve any of it at all. Recently I started a precepts class my church is offering called "Living Victoriously In Difficult Times". One of the main questions we will be studying is why God allows suffering, and we will look at stories of people who perservered in times of testing while gloryifying God in the midst of their pain. When I read the description of the course I just had to sign up for it! It sounded so perfect and appropriate for me at this time in my life. I really pray that I could bring glory to God in the midst of my pain. This past Monday was our first class, and I will share some of what we spoke about. First of all, the wonderful teacher let us know that she was not the teacher of the course but merely the facillitator for God. The Holy Spirit is our teacher, and she stressed that the Holy Spirit lives inside of each believer in Christ. We looked at 2 Corinthians 2:12 We have not received the spirit of this world but the spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. I was so excited when I read this because it served as a reminder that the Holy Spirit within us teaches us, reveals to us the things of God (the things He wants us to understand). I just think that is so awesome that He gave us His Spirit, His living Spirit living inside of us to accomplish these things. We also looked at John 14:26 But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. So, the Holy Spirit was also given so that it could remind us of what Jesus said to us. Also, I believe this verse is very significant in that it states that the Holy Spirit will "teach us all things". Wow, talk about a lifetime in which you never stop learning. There will surely be always something new and something more the Holy Spirit can teach us, and He desires to teach us all things.
So far in the class we have briefly discussed some reasons God allows suffering to occur. One of these is that He desires for us to be more like His Son Jesus Christ. We can see this in Romans 8:29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. Also Isaiah 48:10 says See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. God tests us and it is because He loves us and desires us to be more like His Son Jesus. The teacher of the course noted that if we did not go through suffering in life God could not bring us to a deeper understanding of Him and molding us all the while, transforming our hearts to be more and more like the heart of Jesus. As I was writing this, 2 Corinthians 12:9 came to my mind - My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" and later at the end of verse 10 For when I am weak, then I am strong. I read that and understand that now in a way I had never understood to the extent I do now. I know as I am weak the strength I have comes only from Him. He is there waiting lovingly to provide that strength to me each and every day.

School has started and actually the first week of class has flown by. It's Friday night, and I have been feeling under the weather. I went to bed tonight at 6pm after I had been feeling really ill during the entire day. I woke up, talked with my sister briefly, and decided to write. School is going well and I can tell this quarter is definately going to keep me busy. I expected that, though, with 20 credit hours. I'm taking Behavioural Neuroscience, Advanced Perception, Philosophy of Art, Cognitive Psychology, and Biblical Prophets and History. A couple of the courses seem pretty challenging, but I know I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I have been receiving mail (graduate applications and info) from graduate schools. I just finished reading the information from Biola University, and I just love so much about it. They truly seems to integrate theology and psychology, and the school appears to integrate biblical principles into counseling in a way that truly would teach me counsel the whole person. I just love how it mentions that as a student there I would be ministering within a clinical setting. From reading the material I just learned that I would be getting a minor in theology and biblical studies in addition to my master's and doctoral degrees in clinical psychology. The opportunities at this school just sound phenonmenal. I pray God will lead me to the school He has for me. I trust Him, and I know in life even when it seems like He couldn't possibly - God knows what He is doing.

Today's been a busy day, and I unfortunately until just a few moments ago I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. I think the combination of trying to study, finish my grad school deadlines notebook, sort clothes, and celebrate my sister's birthday party kinda filled up my time. I guess it can be like a snowball effect when there is so many tasks in front of you, and so all you can do is think of more to add to it. Thoughts were going through my mind about the multiple things I had intended to complete this summer so that I would have more time for the application process for graduate schools for Christian counseling. It just goes to show that your plans just might not be God's plans for your life... For example, I had intended to have been finished with my bachelors degree in August which would have allowed me to have a couple months or so to concentrate on studying for the tests I have to take to get into any school. After Jeff moved to Heaven, however, I could not attend my classes this summer. I knew that would not be doable so I dropped those courses, and I later signed up for Fall quarter. Even that is only through putting it all in God's hands and telling Him that He is where my strength comes from. He gives me enough each day, and I know He will remain faithful in the days to come. That is the only reason I signed up for Fall quarter. I know He will be right there continually filling me with His strength, with His love, and with His grace. God definately has something else in mind. So, anyways after feeling a bit overloaded earlier I just took a few moments to relax and clear my mind. I felt God bring to my mind that He has indeed been faithful thus far in my life, and especially with the current trial I am facing. He has been more than faithful, and it continues to do nothing short of amaze me each and every day of my life. I know that without Him I would be more than a total mess of a person, trying to deal with death separating Jeff and I on my own. I cannot imagine even trying to venture down that road. Praise Him that He has never left my side and even now He is carrying me through this. If He is willing and able to do this now in my life I rest assured imagining what He can do with my school situation. I have a heavy course load this quarter and many obligations, including impending graduate school application deadlines at the end of this year. I am confident that as I place ALL of that into His hands He will do far more than I could ever imagine...

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth
give away
and the mountains quake with their surging.
~Psalm 46:1-3

God is amazing. Just wanted to add in that we very well may be receiving a family into our home from New Orleans. Hurricane Katrina left so much destruction down there, and many of families are homeless. My Mom's church is taking a number of people into their gymnasium. We had been praying about how we can help, and it seems God is bringing the answer to our front door! I am excited, and although I do not know how this will exactly work (we have 5 kids plus my Mom and a cat living here) I know God will make a way. Any kind of shelter will be such a blessing for these people, and I know the funny part is that my Mom and I are just finishing the process of cleaning out all of our STUFF and were going to give it to my church's Compassion First Ministry. My Pastor had said that the summer clothes given would go down South to fill the need from the huricane, and the winter clothes would go to Romania. Now, however, we are keeping our clothes until we find out if the people who end up staying in our home would need them. I pray God uses our home and all of our resources to fill their needs. I know He is awesome, and I know He makes all things work together for good. I just wanted to add this exciting bit of info, and I'll close with an encouraging verse I just looked at...

Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. ~Matthew 6:33

Earlier today I read from my devotional, and today's discussed wanting it all. It opens with the question "Do you ever have times when your life seems out of control?" This could be due to feeling pressured for time and remaining so busy that you feel that you miss out on a certain quality of life because of it the author says. I was thinking of how true that is. I know I sometimes get so caught up in the numerous activities that take up my time when school is in session that I find it more difficult to put all of that aside to take a break from it all. There always seems to be more than enough that I still have left to accomplish. I have realized in the past that taking time for yourself is a neccessity... to be alone and pray or read or walk or work out, whatever it may be I know that time is essential. Otherwise I think the routines of the day can seriously absorb us. It feels as if we almost begin to lose our identity and we are merely going through the motions of life. I pray that every person would make the time to stop and deal with something that has been on their hearts, something that has been in the back of their mind over the last day or week or so. Just let God into that. He is always there, and He is always willing to hear us. I cannot even begin to imagine why this is the case, but He loves us more than we can ever fully know.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. ~James 4:8

After reading this short lesson in the book today I loved the closing prayer. It went like this:

Lord, help me to remember to live not in my own strength, but by the power of Your Spirit living in me. Forgive me for the times I have forgotten to do that. Enable me to grow in the things of Your Kingdom so that I can becomea whole, properly functioning, contributing, productive child of Yours who moves forward in Your purpose for my life.

I think that's a wonderful prayer, and I thought to myself the last thing I want to do is just take up space on this Earth and not contribute anything to God during my time here on Earth. He placed a dream in each person's heart, and I want to hear His call in my life, to be ever working towards that purpose He has over my life. I'll end with the verse from today that I found to be so helpful and comforting.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

It's Friday and my little brother I got home not too long ago from visiting Jeff's grandmother in the nursing home she lives in a little over an hour from here. His great aunt who is very sweet also lives there, but, unfortunately, she was feeling very ill and could not visit with us. Jeff and I used to drive up to visit them and play games (they would play until I won a game which usually took awhile! lol). Anyways, we didn't squeeze any games into this evening, but she and I did get to do some talking. It's probably important to add that she is over 90 years old (92 to be exact I believe) and still intent on doing everything herself. We did some catching up on different things going on in the world and in life, and over dinner she had been speaking about dealing with the passing of Jeff when I mentioned to her that I could not make it through if it were not by the grace of God. His strength alone I emphasized to her is the only thing that gets me through. I would be hopeless and desparately lost here if it were not for Him alone... for the strength He provides me each and every day to do beyond what I could imagine was possible. The great part was that his grandma agreed with me. She said she does not know what she would do if she did not read God's Word daily. She relies on His truth to get her through also. We quickly spoke of how it would be such a different, dark situation going through all of this if we did not have Him. I love speaking with elderly individuals, and I enjoyed my time with her. They really do have a sense about them. They understand that the end of their lifetime on Earth is drawing near, and I love to hear believers talk about Heaven. Death is such a bright beginning even though from our view down on Earth we do not easily see it this way. I got to look at many pictures, and share my pictures of the beautiful ocean with her. She shared stories as we walked the sidewalks surrounding the home as the sun was setting. I know the situation with his family does not sound to be going very well, and I pray that God's hand of protection be upon their family and that His loving arms would hold them all tight, drawing them closer and closer to Him every day.
On another note I am keeping potential graduate schools in prayer. I am trying to orgainize most of the different school information before this quarter starts. We begin Fall quarter on September 6, and I know even though I will be busy with 20 credit hours that I can do it. Honestly, I am looking forward to it because completing this last quarter will show God's glory. It will show how awesome He is and that He is definately working wonders. That will make sense to anyone who understands that after losing someone you love so deeply the last instinct you have is to move on with your life. I mean naturally I did not have any energy to do this, and if it was dependent on my strength alone I could not be doing it. That's the amazing part of it all. I cannot really attempt to put that thought into words.
As my pastor is preaching a series about the biblical road to fincancial freedom he emphasized the importance of simplifying your life. I am really taking steps to do that, and it is so fulfilling and freeing. I have been sorting through my stuff, and to tell the truth I never knew I had this much. I had thought I had already gotten rid of so much of it, but there is SO much still there. It's like I felt bad for even having all of that, especially for having it all and not using it. I basically forgot I had a lot of the stuff I do. Pastor Stan also talked about thanking God for every little thing we have. I understand what he means because when you say "Thank You God for all of my stuff" it does not convey the same gratitude as it does when you say "Thank You God for my toothbrush, my soap, my pillow,...". I am sure many people who have gone through the devastation of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans and the surrounding areas would be very aware of this truth. They can now see and appreciate the little things we often take for granted here in America. Isn't it amazing that it is not just a coincidence that we have a hair brush, a toothbrush, a bar of soap? God blessed us with those things. Many others would love to have all of the things that I know I barely think twice about tossing into the shopping cart. I am realizing that it is not just by luck of the draw that I am on this end of the situation. I mean people are in need and I feel as though God is showing me who better to help than who He has poured out more than enough to?

I got my pics today from both the Gatlinburg, TN vacation with my work and the Virginia Beach, VA vacation. I thought I would post a few on here.
This is Jamie and I (a resident from the group home I work in) escaping the rain in an outdoor shopping center

Still in the rain... Amy, me, and Jamie
Me, Abby, Kelly (my manager), and Amy in the cabin

All of us at an Italian Resteraunt in Gatlinburg. My manager Kelly, Jamie, Amber, my co-worker, Abby, Beth, and Amy
Then, Virginia Beach! Apparently there is no cussing on the streets of Virginia Beach - here's me by one of the signs!
My sister Audrey on the beach...

View of beach from boardwalk
A walk on the boardwalk...
Picture of the beach
Me walking around VA Beach area at night
Pictures from watching the sunrise on the beach. God's artwork, pure beauty...






My sister and I on the beach one night

A song I wrote today....

Your Beauty

I was trying so hard
working toward the prize
Trying to accomplish the dream
I held inside

But then You came along
brightened my life
Opened up my eyes

Chorus:
To see Your beauty
To see Your light
To see what You did for me
To see it's so right
You are the truth
You are the life
It's so amazing
and oh so right

I was running to win the race
so concerned about
Avoiding second place
You were on the sidelines
waiting for me
To answer Your call
to give it all
To you...

Chorus:
To see Your beauty
To see Your light
To see what You did for me
To see it's so right
You are the truth
You are the life
It's so amazing
and oh so right

You came and found me
You were always there
Waiting for me
the most amazing thing...
Your life was for me and
It's all free....

Chorus:
To see Your beauty
To see Your light
To see what You did for me
To see it's so right
You are the truth
You are the life
It's so amazing
and oh so right

I stole some quite time alone today to sit at my desk listening to the rain. The Lord is really doing a work on the inside of me and showing me that regardless of what situation I find myself in, His Spirit can lead me and guide me in joy and peace. I wrote this short entry in my notebook earlier today...

I Am Yours

Lord you can do awesome and amazing things - seemingly impossible things. Yet I know that Your power, Your Spirit, working through me can accomplish more than my dreams. You know me better than I know myself and you are working, orchastrating You plan for each day of my life. Lord, I want to submit to Your ways. I want to give You my life. You are the God who can move mountains and part seas. Who am I to stand in the way of what You want to do in and through me? Please mold me, ever-shaping me into the person you want me to be. Make me more and more like Jesus. Help me to believe the truth that even though I cannot see how I can get there from here - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phillipians 4:13). Oh Lord, my heavenly Father, I do not want to stand in Your way any longer. I do not want another moment to go by without You knowing that You can have all of me. Please take my plans, my education, my skills, any gift you have given me and, Lord, use them fully for Your glory. God, You gave those gifts and skills to me and I pray even though they have not always been used for You and they have not been used to their potential - take them now and use them for Your Kingdom. I praise You Lord for what You have done, for what You are doing, and for what You are going to do in and through my life. Thank you, God, that I can hand you my life and have complete trust in You alone. I am Yours.

I wanted to add that my pastor responded to an email I wrote him last week. In the email he said that he is so excited for what God is going to do in my life. He said that I have been through a painful loss and God will continue to give me day-by-day grace (which astounds me). He said that as I stay open to new ways that God wants me to grow, He will do Ephesians 3:20 kinds of things in my life. Of course, I immediately looked up Ephesians 3:20 and found (NIV)
Now to him who is able to do immeseasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations for ever and ever!
I am going to continue to study other translations of this verse. One more I will include for now. (The Message)
God can do anything, you know- far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. Glory to God in the church! Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus! Glory down all the generations! Glory through all millenia! Oh, yes!

I also wanted to add to the previous entry that when watching the sunrise I found mself realizing how huge God is... and how the sun does not come up every morning because God has it set on autopilot. Instead, He brings the sun out every morning to bring light to Earth! I just thought that was awesome. He is behind it all, the big and the small!

I returned from Virginia Beach late Thursday night. I absolutely love it there.... very beautiful. Then again, I think the ocean basically anywhere is amazingly beautiful. There are some creations in nature that illustrate God's hand at work and the ocean is definately one of them! The trip brought out many different aspects of what I feel God is teaching me at this time. I know many more are there but just not clear at this time. In fact, the ones I am aware of are not fully clarified. I know one of the things I am learning is that His Spirit lives inside us as believers and it has the power to change us. I knew this previously, but I did not understand the changes the Spirit can make in my life. I feel as I grow closer to God and allow the Spirit to take over more of me (or be more dominant in and through me) I not only experience such amazing peace, but I have contentment. I'm truly seeing how this makes all the difference. I can be in a million places, and I can be alone or surrounded, comfortable or in need and I know that I can make it through anything with Him who lives in the inside of me. He gives me this ability. So, there were different experiences on this vacation that I could almost view as small tests. Different occurences that would normally ruin my time seemed easier to overlook, and I was more able by the power of God to see the good, to see Him in it all. I know He is ever working in my life. I know that there is not a day or an hour that He has overlooked me. I do not want there to be a day or an hour in which I overlook Him! It is so comforting that no matter where I go or what I am doing no one can take Him away from me. He will never leave me or forsake me. Also, a large part of what I am taking away from this trip is the powerfulness of God. The visits to the ocean contained so many things that allowed me to see the magnitude of God and how small I am in comparison to all of eternity. It truly makes me think what that wonderful contemporary song by Casting Crowns says....
Who Am I?

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

If I could choose a song that sums up what I am taking away from this trip, then this would be it. I just love it. I am merely a wave tossed in the ocean... and yet God loves me so much. He has a special, unique plan for my life, and a place for me with Him for all eternity. This truth completely fills me. There is nothing else I could possibly want more. He just continues to amaze me with His love and with His grace everday. Watching the sunrise on the beach the last day we were there left me in awe of God. Such beauty He brings. He creates things that move me like nothing else can. The sky is truly His painting, His masterpiece of art. It makes me think that I can only imagine what lies on the other side of the sky. I have read C.S. Lewis's statement that Heaven is to Earth like a flower is to its root, not as the original is to its copy. How amazing this is that Heaven is an extension to Earth and yet it contains things of God we can only imagine. I long to be dwelling in His house truly forever. Also before and during this trip I have been coming to understand the importance of surrendering all areas of my life to God. I am learning how freeing this is! It is great to allow Him to work in everything, to just hand everything over to Him. I know that is where it all belongs. It just feels so right and truly gives me such freedom to know that He is there waiting for me to do just that. He wants me to give it all back to Him, place it all back in His hands. Besides, that is where it all came from anyway. I have such joy in my heart that He cares that much for me and the details of my life. I know that He is drawing me closer to Him each and every day and there is nothing I desire more. I know that His love I can only begin to understand... I feel like my mind cannot quite ever completely grasp it. When I think about placing things in God's hands it brings to my mind that I prayed for Jeff so frequently while we were together on Earth. I think about how I would tell God that Jeff was His child first before he was anything to me or to anyone and that I just places him back over into His hands. I know I need to do this now again. After all, that is just where Jeff is... resting in the hands of God, dancing with the angels. How I long to be that close to God. I know Jeff is more than good in his eternal dwelling place. He is where he belongs with who he belongs. My heart aches yet it also rejoices for him as he has made it there. I am so happy for him. That is one thing I know cannot be contained to words. I pray that our wonderfully amazing God continues to ever so gently and radically shape my beliefs and outlooks on Jeff's death, and that He continues to soften my heart to the needs of others around me, that he would tune me into Him above all and the work He wants to do in and through me, and I pray that I am able to particiapte in the grief share class at my church if it is God's will for me to do so, I pray He continues to use Jeff's move to Heaven to bring me closer to Him and that He continues to transform my heart, that He shape my heart to be more and more like Jesus's heart everyday. I praise God with every ounce of my being for His love which gives me the very life inside of me.

I got home last night from the trip. It was a fun but exhausting trip. Overall, it was a very humbling experience... I prayed for God to use me on this trip to touch those around me and I know He was working through me. I say it was a humbling experience because helping individuals in need of assistance for basic living tasks such as eating, showering, and walking really enables you to see Christ in others. Helping those truly in need just seems to fit so perfectly into God's plan for us. Serving others is such an amazing thing. I really love it. It definately can wear you out easily however. I think that is why I am desparately in need of some time alone to just relax, read, and take it easy for awhile. I am trying to do that, but there is so much that needs to be done. I am scheduled to leave for another trip to Virginia Beach, but in order to do that I need to finish cleaning out my old house for my Dad. The money from that will help pay for my sister and I to have money for food and gas on the trip. There I am definately looking forward to getting some much needed reflection time. Time to just think, pray, and seek God and His plan for me. Right now I know I am just in the middle. I have come through so much only by His grace alone. He truly is my strength. I cannot imagine what I would have done when my boyfriend, my true best friend, moved to Heaven without Him. Only through Him have I been able to begin to come through this. My view on life, the new light I am able to see everything through amazes me. I know it is all from God alone. He is truly giving me the strength, courage, and hope to see Him through it all. I know He is there... He has always been there and will always be! That's so wonderfully comforting. He is more than enough for me. Speaking of that I love the song "Enough" that says "all of you is more than enough for all of me". How true that is. He is all I need.

God is awesome. I really know His promise in Jeremiah 29:11 is true. He really does have a plan for us, to give us a future and a hope. He's such a God of love. I truly trust His plans for me, and I have this feeling that they contain things I totally would not expect. God just works that way though. Anyways, saturday night service was awesome. God really spoke through Pastor Stan in order to give our church a message about stewardship. Money is a difficult issue for many people, including many Christians. I know I have struggled in that area, and I really have been trusting the Lord with all of that now in my life. Pastor Stan helped me to see that God merely uses whoever writes my paycheck to bless me with that money. It all comes from God. He is so very faithful. Although I do not make very much money right now as I am in school, I realize that God truly got me the job I have now. I had been working in a place that did not have a good environment at all. I tried to be a light there, and I pray I made an impact... It was definately difficult. Circumstances led me to quit that job, and I prayed about this move and about a new job. God brought my current place of employment into my life. It's a job I truly love and has higher pay than the one I was at. I know I owe that money to Him. I know it can be challenging at times to tithe correctly when financially it seems ends will not meet. I think it's about making that leap of faith and tithing first even when it looks impossible. Our God is the God of the impossible. He is a God who can move mountains, and separate seas. I do not want to limit Him in my life. Speaking of tithing being the first action you make when you receive your paycheck, I like this scripture verse:
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see ~Hebrews 11:1
On that awesome note about faith, I am off to bed. We leave tomorrow for vacation with work! Yea! Praying God uses me in any way He can on the trip, for our safety, and for God to speak to me through the book I will begin on the trip, Heaven by Randy Alcorn.

Just got home and came up to campus with my sister. Service tonight was wonderful... It was broadcasted via satillite in 77 locations in the U.S. It's the beginning of the Leadership Summit. Anyways, tonight the message was on focusing on God even through our circumstances. For example, do we get so caught up in the problems in our lives that we cannot see God and His plan for our lives? It's difficult to be in the midst of many problems in life and look past all that and remember that God is still working and divinely orchastrating His plans for us. Yes, He is still working when it looks dark to us. He is still working when we thought He forgot us. He is still working when we ignore Him. He is still working when nothing seems to be going right in our lives. It is truly amazing. The thing is sometimes this can be hard to accept... hard to accept that He still has His hand in it all when everything seems to be going wrong to you (wrong according to the plan you had for your life). I know I am dealing with that all now. I feel upset that the plan that I thought I wanted and God wanted for my life has been changed. Well, obviously, since the other half of my plan is in Heaven. I know, however, that God has a better view from His side of the sky on all of this. He can see things I cannot see. He knows what He is doing, and I just have to trust Him. That means even when I have no clue where He is leading me I just have to continuously reaffirm my trust in Him that I trust His plan. My plan was nice... it got my a ways down the road, but His plan is truly magnificent. I wouldn't trade his plan for anything. All I know is I have been having a kinda down week and this sermon tonight really spoke to me. I really thank God for that.
Lovely lyrics to a song... (I know I love music...)

Restored
by Jeremy Camp

All this time I've wandered around
Searching for the things I'll never know
I've been searching for this answer that
Only will be found in your love
And I feel it my heart is being mended by your touch
And I hear it your voice that's shown my purpose in this world
You have restored me from my feeble and broken soul
You have restored me (2x)
I've only come to realize my strength will be made perfect at your throne
Laying all reflections down to see the precious beauty that you've shown
And I feel it my heart is being mended by your touch
And I hear it your voice that's shown my purpose in this world
You have restored me from my feeble and broken soul
You have restored me (2x)Laying all these questions down
You've answered what I need You've given more than I deserve
You're making me complete
You've given all these open doors
I'm humbled at your feet
Because of what you've done for me

I've been busy, running around trying to finish cleaning out my old house which is taking longer than I expected. There's so many memories in that place, especially since it used to be my grandparents' home. I got to ride the new 4 wheeler on my Dad's property last night. I love that thing! It can go up to like 70mph, but 30mph feels extremely fast (which I love)! Anyways, I have church tonight for wednesday night service. They call it Access and it's a contemporary adult service that teaches the Word in practical, life-giving ways. I haven't always attended Wednesday nights, but whenever I do I am always so glad I showed up that night. I always leave getting so much out of it. God really uses my pastors to speak into our lives. We had been studying the book of Philemon in the Bible, but I think we are finished with that. It was a wonderful series on change (a changed attitude, changed perspective, a changed legacy). It really helped to see things in the big scheme of things. It seems like a difficult question to ask yourself "what will I leave as my legacy?". It's like will I even have one? I really hope I leave one... I want to make a mark on this world for God. I know there are so many hurting people out there and I want to get to as many of them as I can to bring the hope of Jesus. He brings me everything I need and more. I don't know what I would do without him. I love that song "Better is One Day" that goes on to say "better is one day in your courts than a thousand days elsewhere"... It's so true for me. One day knowing Jesus as my Savior, the light of my life, and the One who never fails me is better than a thousand days anywhere else! Knowing this to be true gives me such joy. Well, I know tonight will be an awesome service. Recently, the young people at my church (high-schoolers) have really been doing amazing things. They do these live dramas to music that basically preach the gospel in very relavant, current terms. They even take these skits/dances to the streets in inner cities around here! For example, one of the ones I saw had a group of teenagers drinking and smoking pot and then one guy finds Jesus and breaks away from the group and away from that lifestyle. Afterwards, he ends up convincing one of the girls to come with him. I don't know, but I do not that it really speaks to that age group. I think it is amazing that God is working through them in this way. I just found out today that for the trip to Gatlinburg next week with my work my boss is coming along with us. It should be totally fine though because she is really cool and not too much older than me. She's letting me test drive the 15-passenger van tomorrow so I don't get us into to too much trouble driving down there! lol My Mom has been really difficult to deal with lately. She's been having anger outbursts which annoy pretty much all of the rest of the family. I know it has to be difficult for her being a single mom of 5 kids. I try to understand. I wish I could help her more than I can. There's just so much she has to do on her own for herself that I cannot do anything about. I'm reading this book published in the 50s I think called Let Go and Let God. It's pretty good and gives me practical ways to let God be involved in all the areas of my life. I could always use more of that I know. I read a Max Lucado book not too long ago that was wonderful, A Heart Like Jesus. I hope to find time to read more of his books before school starts back up. Hmm maybe I can bring some on vacation with me... Well, I'll probably write more about how service goes tonight.

I can't wait to go on vacation with the residents of the group home I work in (not to mention it will be wonderful to get paid 16 hrs out of every day we are there). It's just a trip to Gatlinburg, TN, but getting away sounds very good. I'm just gonna bring some books to read, a notebook to write in, my bathing suit for the jacuzzi of couse (can't wait), and cameras for pics of the staff and the girls. I am hoping we get to hike to the top of some mountain there in which case I will definately get pictures there. I am not sure what activities we will be doing with the girls, but I know we will have fun. They always make me laugh. After that trip I cannot wait to get away truly to go to Virginia Beach. I have been wanting to go to the ocean for like 2 summers now. I'm looking forward to getting that time to relax and think without deadlines which I know will be great to do before school starts and I am overloaded with reading and studying. I just want to get through this last quarter. It will mean so much to me to be finished with my bachelors, especially if I can finish this last quarter on the dean's list again. It's like a personal accomplishment that feels good even if it is what I expect of myself anyways. It is hard work, but it is worth it. I'm still praying about which grad school to go to, but that has been on the back burner. I just trust God will bring me to where He wants me to be. I don't worry about the future anymore. Thank God I don't. That was really not fun and I was always overwhelmed. I could never be ahead of the game enough. Now I am really trying to hang onto the truth that I should live in today, tomorrow has enough worries of its own. On that note I'll end this entry.

My mind is filled with many thoughts and I smile thinking how amazing is the One who created all of this. I went on a beautiful hike today up and around a nearby dam, and I found myself (as I do so often) in amazement of the beauty of nature. All of the details that went into its planning... the sunset's colors, the soft look of the clouds, the beauty in wild flowers, the forest, and all the trees it contains... and to imagine God is saying "I love you" to each of us through this wonder. It is all around us everyday like His arms wrapping us in a loving embrace, forever confirming the fact that He is God. I look back over the time that has passed since my bf passed over and it seems so strange that it can actually be quantified. I mean in a sense it has been such a blur and in another way it has made things so much clearer. It is like I do not know what is in store, but I complete trust in God for it all. So, I am not worrying about what lies around the corner. To be able to have that feeling is truly amazing, especially since I used to struggle with anxiety. God is awesome and can restore anything if we just hand it over to Him and let Him. He is more than willing. I've learned that He is more than enough for me. It's like He fills me up, and I never want that to end. I just pray He keeps filling me so it can overflow into other people's lives. I really want Him to use me, work through me to touch others. I don't care if it's words or actions or something I am not even aware of, but I just pray that he uses me for His will. There was an old man in the cemetary I had seen quite often. For some reason he had been on my mind during the week, and as I was thinking about him I asked God to help me know what to say to him. He would drive up slowly in his car, park beside what appeared to be his wife's grave, and get out of the car to sit by her grave. My heart hurt for him, and I found myself desirign to do anything I could to touch his life in some way. I was waiting for God to give me the words or actions. After all, I had never met him before and had no idea if he was friendly or if he wanted his privacy, ect. One day shortly after I had been thinking about him I was standing across the graveyard from where he was and I was praying about different things. I told God that I wanted Him to help me be brave in my faith and help me to hear His voice especially if He was calling me to go somewhere specific like on a mission trip or to a special school or place. Then, I said "even if it means you want me to walk across this graveyard to talk to this old man". Immediately after this I opened my eyes as I felt someone approaching me. Can you guess who it was? The old man from across the way! He was about 5 yards away and asking me if I wanted my privacy. I told him it was fine, and we introduced ourselves, and spoke about who we knew in the cemetary. He had lost his wife 18 months ago, and he mentioned that it was tough, looking for me to agree. I did, of course, and you could tell he found some comfort in that. He said he had seen me there before and that he usually says hi to anyone he sees nearby. I told him that I would definately stop over to talk with him when I see him again. I hope I didnt miss an opportunity to say something about how God is carrying me through this. I want more than anything for that man to experience the peace and love of being carried through a crisis by Jesus. I pray I get to talk again soon to that man who was such an obvious answer to prayer even if it was in a way I would not have imagined. I think God sends people into your life for a reason, and it is amazing to know that and just trust that you fulfill the purpose He intends for it all. Well, that's all of that story for now, but I will give any updates. lol

OK, it seems like it has been a long time since I wrote in here, but time is strange to me altogether anyways. I was up last night chatting with some Christians I met online, and it was comforting. It gives me such joy to share my love for God with someone. One 18-yr-old guy was telling me how he got saved less than a year ago. His life before that was filled with drugs and violence he said. God saved him from that life and now he is in love with his savior Jesus. I praise God for him and pray he blesses his life and works through this young man. Such potential for Christ people have, it is whether or not we use it that matters, whether or not we recognize that this life is not about ourselves - it is all about him. He created us and sent his only son to die on a cross for our sins so that we would not perish but have everlasting life. How awesome is that. I hope to watch Passion of the Christ again really soon. I thought it would be good to remind myself the price Jesus paid for me. Why he loves me this much I do not know. I know I do not deserve any of it, but I love him right back for it. Just when I find myself getting overwhelmed or upset in my life right now I remember God and His promises to us. He says he will never leave us or forsake us. He has told us in his word that he planned unique purposes for our lives before we were born; he shaped our hearts. I know he is teaching me things day by day. He's giving me what I need and it is more than I could ever ask for. Sending my boyfriend into my life was more than I could ever ask for. How much he must love me for doing that. It's just amazing - getting to experience God's love through another person that you love is just indescribable. I think that is the crucial factor for true love - God's love. I believe it cannot be complete without first coming from HIm. So, I guess then I should continue to seek him in order to be filled up with his love, enough to spill over for others. I know I need more and more of his love every day. I will forever seek him.