I came across this piece I wrote awhile back which was inspired during my quiet time with God. It came to me in the form of questions, so this is how I quickly wrote it...

Unworthiness- evermore reason why we need Jesus. None of us measure up, we can not measure up. Allow Jesus to save you, accept the sacrifice he made for you. I know you do not want to settle for something less than God's plan (that makes sense and is smart).
What if God's plan was forus to realize Him and see it is all about Him and purpose is given or found in us becoming more like Him?
What if no matter what or who the journey pairs us with or connects us to, it is suppossed to be realized or found by trusting in Him and becoming who He wants us to be?
What if this affects all other parts of our lives? (It would make sense, wouldn't it since accepting Jesus as Savior and believing in God changes our outlook on everything and really does change our lives)
What if everything else can only be made whole or complete in our lives when we are dedicated to becoming who He wants us to be?
What if it can only occur by understanding those things God has foremost called us to?
What if that is the reason Christian marriages in which both partners are believers sometimes still fail?
What if it is due to OURSELVES?
What if by us focusing on ourselves and our goals for the future (future career, future school, degree, or relationship) we bypass what God has for us in the here and now?
What if our purpose is already there, in front of us, left unrealized?
What if it is not a matter of a new job or a new mate that will lead us to our purpose?
What if it's simply our lack of understanding that keeps us blind to seeing the purpose that already surrounds us?
What if we will remain this way, praying and not realizing we already hold the answer?
What if instead of thinking something is not right so it must be the situation we stopped to think it may be ourselves? (What if it is us who is not right?)
Do we need to ask for forgiveness for blaming everything else but ourselves?
Do we find ourselves with many excuses for our behavior? (not truly apologizing)
What if God already provided all we need to experience our purpose in life and we keep ourselves blind to it and apart from it due to our failure to ask Him to forgive us of all our mistakes and to make us more like Him?
What if we keep asking "God, who is the person you want me to marry?" "God, where do you want me to live?" when all God wants to hear is "God, WHO do you want me to be?"
What if by us becoming more and more like this person He called us to be (more like Jesus) our eyes opened to the meaning surrounding us?


After running across that piece I wanted to put it on here. I think it's powerful. I am off to do more studying and hopefully get outside on this gorgeous day!

Time has remained a precious commodity right now. School is going well, and there is always studying, reading, and papers to write. Currently I am working on my paper on one of the Minor Prophets Books in the Old Testament, Zephaniah. It is a blessing to get to study scripture for school. In my research today I came across an article that examined the major themes of Zephaniah, and I appreciated that the author mentioned that we tend to not focus on books such as Zephaniah. It seems almost as if we somehow think these shorter books are less important than others. As an author he emphasized using each and every verse of Zephaniah as facts pertaining to the author's theology. This article made me stop and think about how I know I do at least tend to overlook some of the shorter books of scripture, more specifically, the Book of the 12 Minor Prophets. I do not believe these books are of less importance than other books of the Bible so I am not sure why my tendency remains to divert my focus elsewhere. I am going to try to learn more about these books in the future. (It does help that one of my classes now is Biblical Prophets and History):) My class at church on Monday nights is going great. We talk about challenging subjects, why we undergo suffering and trials in life. It has been amazing so far, and I can tell that I am not going to want it to end. It's a blessing to have the teacher I do, and I appreciate her willingness to invite the Holy Spirit to work through her in each class. Also, it's wonderful to hear others' experiences and what they have learned in life.
Last week we looked at the Thessalonians and how they suffered because they embraced the gospel. They did not try to run from their troubles, however. Instead, they trusted God and He alone enabled them to perservere. This Monday we took a closer look at Paul to discover why believers suffer and the what forms of suffering exist. We looked at Acts 9:15-16 But the Lord said to him, "Go, for he is a chosen instrument of Mine, to bear My name before the Gentiles and kings and the sons of Israel; for I will show him how much he must suffer for My name's sake." in order to see why Paul suffered. We deducted from this passage that Paul suffered for Christ's name's sake. We then looked at Acts 13:44-45, 49-50 and saw that the Jews responded to Paul's preaching of the Word of God by contradicting it and blaspheming. It seems you can expect to come against opposition and even suffering while trying to proclaim God's truth. 2 Timothy 3:10-12 was studied and we concluded that Paul had been dealing with persecutions and suffering that he endured. God rescued him out of them all. Timothy was following Paul's example. We can learn from Paul's example how to endure by remembering God's grace is sufficient for us, and that we should expect suffering. I love the next passage that we studied - 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 For we do not want you to be unaware, bretheren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond out strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead." From this passage we saw that the purpose of this suffering was so that they would trust God NOT themselves. I think that is a powerful lesson, and we spoke of how worrying and being anxious about things in our lives is a form of not trusting God. I have heard this before, but wow. haha That's all I will say about that. I did learn, though, to be aware of ways I trust myself (and by doing so I am not trusting Him). Next, we read 2 Corinthians 4:7-11 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted but not foresaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that teh life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh." They suffered in many ways, but they were not destroyed. This leads us to the conclusion they must have been trusting in God as their foundation. We are told that they are suffering in order for the life of Jesus to be revealed in our mortal flesh. God's role in all of this was to give them the power to overcome by the Holy Spirit. This Spirit which lives inside of believers in Christ is the same spirit that raised Jesus from the dead! We spoke about so much more in the study which I may add at a later time, but for now I will end on this joyous note.

I would normally be at Wednesday night service at church, but we did not have regular service tonight and I am finding myself getting to just sit and take a break. I think those are much needed. I have been reflecting on God's love and how He loves us too much to leave us where we are. It is so fulfilling that He wants us to continually grow in our relationship with Him. I find myself amazed at what God is doing in my life through His Word. I am about half way through my 180-day Bible tour (readings from the Bible that outlines all the main stories), and I know it cannot be put into words how much this has blessed me life and brought me closer to God. I find things reminding me of different Scripture verses, and the Holy Spirit bringing these verses to my mind has just been so powerful. In my Biblical Prophets and History class I am beginning to work on a paper about the Book of Zephaniah. In fact, I just made some copies at the campus library from some very helpful reference books. I am excited about writing the paper because I get to study God's Word and get course credit! How awesome is that? Sorry, lol I am just really thankful for the opportunity. I have been thinking and praying about my plans after I graduate in November. For the past year I have been assuming that I would apply to graduate schools for programs in clinical psychology, working towards getting licensed as a counselor. Well, God continues to change my plans for the future and I have been seriously considering going to graduate school foremost for a Master of Arts in Theology or Biblical Studies. From there I could go on for my Ph.D in Clinical Psychology. The Masters in Theology would enable me to get a firm foundation in the Bible before pursuing counseling. I desire to pursue God's will for my days here on Earth. I want to include another uplifiting song's lyrics which reminds me to live my life for an audience of one, God alone.

The Way I Was Made
by Chris Tomlin

Caught in the half-light, I�m caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise, and the radio
Feels like I'm tied up, what's holding me?
Juts praying today will be the day I go Free.

Chorus:
I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around.
I want to sing like no one's listening.
Before I lay my body down

I want to give like I have plenty.
I want to love like I'm not afraid.
I want to be the man I was meant to be.
I want to be the way I was made.

Made in Your likeness, made in Your hands.
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I've forgotten help me to find.
All that You've promised let it be in my life.

Wow, it has been busy. I haven't gotten a chance to write in here for a few days. My classes are taking a lot of my time right now, but it brings me joy knowing this is what God has for me right now in my life. I just returned home from my precepts class at church. It was uplifting, and we are discussing the role of suffering in people's lives. It is so amazing that God such purpose in our suffering. I will have to include things we talked about in the class in my next entry. As I am on the topic of suffering and trials that are placed in our lives, I must just again say that I truly praise God for giving me such strength and such joy these last few months. Since Jeff has moved to Heaven it has been and continues to be such a transformingly beautiful experience. I know this does seem strange to say because of course I did not want him to go nor am I denying the pain it has brought into my life. I mean to say that God bringing this loss into my life has done so much in the way of shaping me as a person. He continues to draw me closer to Him through all of this as I trust Him truly with my life. Giving your life completely over to Him is so freeing and fulfilling. I continue to be amazed at how much God loves me, how deep His love is for all of us. I will go ahead and say that it was said tonight in class that when God gives us trials or suffering we should consider it a compliment because it means He trusts us to perservere through it and all the while bring glory to His name. He intends for that, for us to trust Him all the way through the pain, and He trusts us to do that. I think that is so awesome. I wanted to include a song that plays on KLove, the radio station I listen to day and night, that has spoken to me over these last few months. It's beautiful.

Held
by Natalie Grant
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Truthfully, it has been an emotional last few days. September 11th was Jeff's birthday, and I ended up getting together with a lot of his family to have a memorial ceremony type thing at his grave where we did a baloon launch (the balloons of course in Ohio State colors lol). It was a beautiful day, and just the night before at his grave I had been spending time there with God, hoping to just dedicate that time to God and anything He would want me to hear. As I was coming back around the cemetary at the end of my walk, God brought to my mind that Jeff's earthly birthday was September 11, but how much more awesome and important was his birthday into Heaven! It brought such joy to my soul to stop and think about that... I know to God and even to Jeff now how much more significance and love that day must possess. How wonderfully fulfilling to think upon that day for ourselves... the day when we will reach those Heavenly gates, when we will see God face to face, and live in his presence for all eternity, experiencing his love to the fullness in which he is. I can only imagine...
However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" - but God has revealed it to us by His Spirit. ~ 1 Corinthians 2:9-10

God has just been more than truly amazing with the joy He gives me despite the situations and experiences I experience here in this life. I cannot even begin to describe or understand it except to say that it is only through Him and His Spirit that such a life, such a type of enduring joy could possibly exist in me, a soul that was broken, a heart that was so terribly aching. I really praise Him for that, and I cannot imagine what I would do without Him drawing me closer to Him each and every day. As He reveals His love to me I cannot help but be overwhelmed and to think that I do not deserve any of it at all. Recently I started a precepts class my church is offering called "Living Victoriously In Difficult Times". One of the main questions we will be studying is why God allows suffering, and we will look at stories of people who perservered in times of testing while gloryifying God in the midst of their pain. When I read the description of the course I just had to sign up for it! It sounded so perfect and appropriate for me at this time in my life. I really pray that I could bring glory to God in the midst of my pain. This past Monday was our first class, and I will share some of what we spoke about. First of all, the wonderful teacher let us know that she was not the teacher of the course but merely the facillitator for God. The Holy Spirit is our teacher, and she stressed that the Holy Spirit lives inside of each believer in Christ. We looked at 2 Corinthians 2:12 We have not received the spirit of this world but the spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. I was so excited when I read this because it served as a reminder that the Holy Spirit within us teaches us, reveals to us the things of God (the things He wants us to understand). I just think that is so awesome that He gave us His Spirit, His living Spirit living inside of us to accomplish these things. We also looked at John 14:26 But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. So, the Holy Spirit was also given so that it could remind us of what Jesus said to us. Also, I believe this verse is very significant in that it states that the Holy Spirit will "teach us all things". Wow, talk about a lifetime in which you never stop learning. There will surely be always something new and something more the Holy Spirit can teach us, and He desires to teach us all things.
So far in the class we have briefly discussed some reasons God allows suffering to occur. One of these is that He desires for us to be more like His Son Jesus Christ. We can see this in Romans 8:29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. Also Isaiah 48:10 says See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. God tests us and it is because He loves us and desires us to be more like His Son Jesus. The teacher of the course noted that if we did not go through suffering in life God could not bring us to a deeper understanding of Him and molding us all the while, transforming our hearts to be more and more like the heart of Jesus. As I was writing this, 2 Corinthians 12:9 came to my mind - My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" and later at the end of verse 10 For when I am weak, then I am strong. I read that and understand that now in a way I had never understood to the extent I do now. I know as I am weak the strength I have comes only from Him. He is there waiting lovingly to provide that strength to me each and every day.

School has started and actually the first week of class has flown by. It's Friday night, and I have been feeling under the weather. I went to bed tonight at 6pm after I had been feeling really ill during the entire day. I woke up, talked with my sister briefly, and decided to write. School is going well and I can tell this quarter is definately going to keep me busy. I expected that, though, with 20 credit hours. I'm taking Behavioural Neuroscience, Advanced Perception, Philosophy of Art, Cognitive Psychology, and Biblical Prophets and History. A couple of the courses seem pretty challenging, but I know I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I have been receiving mail (graduate applications and info) from graduate schools. I just finished reading the information from Biola University, and I just love so much about it. They truly seems to integrate theology and psychology, and the school appears to integrate biblical principles into counseling in a way that truly would teach me counsel the whole person. I just love how it mentions that as a student there I would be ministering within a clinical setting. From reading the material I just learned that I would be getting a minor in theology and biblical studies in addition to my master's and doctoral degrees in clinical psychology. The opportunities at this school just sound phenonmenal. I pray God will lead me to the school He has for me. I trust Him, and I know in life even when it seems like He couldn't possibly - God knows what He is doing.

Today's been a busy day, and I unfortunately until just a few moments ago I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. I think the combination of trying to study, finish my grad school deadlines notebook, sort clothes, and celebrate my sister's birthday party kinda filled up my time. I guess it can be like a snowball effect when there is so many tasks in front of you, and so all you can do is think of more to add to it. Thoughts were going through my mind about the multiple things I had intended to complete this summer so that I would have more time for the application process for graduate schools for Christian counseling. It just goes to show that your plans just might not be God's plans for your life... For example, I had intended to have been finished with my bachelors degree in August which would have allowed me to have a couple months or so to concentrate on studying for the tests I have to take to get into any school. After Jeff moved to Heaven, however, I could not attend my classes this summer. I knew that would not be doable so I dropped those courses, and I later signed up for Fall quarter. Even that is only through putting it all in God's hands and telling Him that He is where my strength comes from. He gives me enough each day, and I know He will remain faithful in the days to come. That is the only reason I signed up for Fall quarter. I know He will be right there continually filling me with His strength, with His love, and with His grace. God definately has something else in mind. So, anyways after feeling a bit overloaded earlier I just took a few moments to relax and clear my mind. I felt God bring to my mind that He has indeed been faithful thus far in my life, and especially with the current trial I am facing. He has been more than faithful, and it continues to do nothing short of amaze me each and every day of my life. I know that without Him I would be more than a total mess of a person, trying to deal with death separating Jeff and I on my own. I cannot imagine even trying to venture down that road. Praise Him that He has never left my side and even now He is carrying me through this. If He is willing and able to do this now in my life I rest assured imagining what He can do with my school situation. I have a heavy course load this quarter and many obligations, including impending graduate school application deadlines at the end of this year. I am confident that as I place ALL of that into His hands He will do far more than I could ever imagine...

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth
give away
and the mountains quake with their surging.
~Psalm 46:1-3

God is amazing. Just wanted to add in that we very well may be receiving a family into our home from New Orleans. Hurricane Katrina left so much destruction down there, and many of families are homeless. My Mom's church is taking a number of people into their gymnasium. We had been praying about how we can help, and it seems God is bringing the answer to our front door! I am excited, and although I do not know how this will exactly work (we have 5 kids plus my Mom and a cat living here) I know God will make a way. Any kind of shelter will be such a blessing for these people, and I know the funny part is that my Mom and I are just finishing the process of cleaning out all of our STUFF and were going to give it to my church's Compassion First Ministry. My Pastor had said that the summer clothes given would go down South to fill the need from the huricane, and the winter clothes would go to Romania. Now, however, we are keeping our clothes until we find out if the people who end up staying in our home would need them. I pray God uses our home and all of our resources to fill their needs. I know He is awesome, and I know He makes all things work together for good. I just wanted to add this exciting bit of info, and I'll close with an encouraging verse I just looked at...

Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. ~Matthew 6:33

Earlier today I read from my devotional, and today's discussed wanting it all. It opens with the question "Do you ever have times when your life seems out of control?" This could be due to feeling pressured for time and remaining so busy that you feel that you miss out on a certain quality of life because of it the author says. I was thinking of how true that is. I know I sometimes get so caught up in the numerous activities that take up my time when school is in session that I find it more difficult to put all of that aside to take a break from it all. There always seems to be more than enough that I still have left to accomplish. I have realized in the past that taking time for yourself is a neccessity... to be alone and pray or read or walk or work out, whatever it may be I know that time is essential. Otherwise I think the routines of the day can seriously absorb us. It feels as if we almost begin to lose our identity and we are merely going through the motions of life. I pray that every person would make the time to stop and deal with something that has been on their hearts, something that has been in the back of their mind over the last day or week or so. Just let God into that. He is always there, and He is always willing to hear us. I cannot even begin to imagine why this is the case, but He loves us more than we can ever fully know.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. ~James 4:8

After reading this short lesson in the book today I loved the closing prayer. It went like this:

Lord, help me to remember to live not in my own strength, but by the power of Your Spirit living in me. Forgive me for the times I have forgotten to do that. Enable me to grow in the things of Your Kingdom so that I can becomea whole, properly functioning, contributing, productive child of Yours who moves forward in Your purpose for my life.

I think that's a wonderful prayer, and I thought to myself the last thing I want to do is just take up space on this Earth and not contribute anything to God during my time here on Earth. He placed a dream in each person's heart, and I want to hear His call in my life, to be ever working towards that purpose He has over my life. I'll end with the verse from today that I found to be so helpful and comforting.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

It's Friday and my little brother I got home not too long ago from visiting Jeff's grandmother in the nursing home she lives in a little over an hour from here. His great aunt who is very sweet also lives there, but, unfortunately, she was feeling very ill and could not visit with us. Jeff and I used to drive up to visit them and play games (they would play until I won a game which usually took awhile! lol). Anyways, we didn't squeeze any games into this evening, but she and I did get to do some talking. It's probably important to add that she is over 90 years old (92 to be exact I believe) and still intent on doing everything herself. We did some catching up on different things going on in the world and in life, and over dinner she had been speaking about dealing with the passing of Jeff when I mentioned to her that I could not make it through if it were not by the grace of God. His strength alone I emphasized to her is the only thing that gets me through. I would be hopeless and desparately lost here if it were not for Him alone... for the strength He provides me each and every day to do beyond what I could imagine was possible. The great part was that his grandma agreed with me. She said she does not know what she would do if she did not read God's Word daily. She relies on His truth to get her through also. We quickly spoke of how it would be such a different, dark situation going through all of this if we did not have Him. I love speaking with elderly individuals, and I enjoyed my time with her. They really do have a sense about them. They understand that the end of their lifetime on Earth is drawing near, and I love to hear believers talk about Heaven. Death is such a bright beginning even though from our view down on Earth we do not easily see it this way. I got to look at many pictures, and share my pictures of the beautiful ocean with her. She shared stories as we walked the sidewalks surrounding the home as the sun was setting. I know the situation with his family does not sound to be going very well, and I pray that God's hand of protection be upon their family and that His loving arms would hold them all tight, drawing them closer and closer to Him every day.
On another note I am keeping potential graduate schools in prayer. I am trying to orgainize most of the different school information before this quarter starts. We begin Fall quarter on September 6, and I know even though I will be busy with 20 credit hours that I can do it. Honestly, I am looking forward to it because completing this last quarter will show God's glory. It will show how awesome He is and that He is definately working wonders. That will make sense to anyone who understands that after losing someone you love so deeply the last instinct you have is to move on with your life. I mean naturally I did not have any energy to do this, and if it was dependent on my strength alone I could not be doing it. That's the amazing part of it all. I cannot really attempt to put that thought into words.
As my pastor is preaching a series about the biblical road to fincancial freedom he emphasized the importance of simplifying your life. I am really taking steps to do that, and it is so fulfilling and freeing. I have been sorting through my stuff, and to tell the truth I never knew I had this much. I had thought I had already gotten rid of so much of it, but there is SO much still there. It's like I felt bad for even having all of that, especially for having it all and not using it. I basically forgot I had a lot of the stuff I do. Pastor Stan also talked about thanking God for every little thing we have. I understand what he means because when you say "Thank You God for all of my stuff" it does not convey the same gratitude as it does when you say "Thank You God for my toothbrush, my soap, my pillow,...". I am sure many people who have gone through the devastation of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans and the surrounding areas would be very aware of this truth. They can now see and appreciate the little things we often take for granted here in America. Isn't it amazing that it is not just a coincidence that we have a hair brush, a toothbrush, a bar of soap? God blessed us with those things. Many others would love to have all of the things that I know I barely think twice about tossing into the shopping cart. I am realizing that it is not just by luck of the draw that I am on this end of the situation. I mean people are in need and I feel as though God is showing me who better to help than who He has poured out more than enough to?

I got my pics today from both the Gatlinburg, TN vacation with my work and the Virginia Beach, VA vacation. I thought I would post a few on here.
This is Jamie and I (a resident from the group home I work in) escaping the rain in an outdoor shopping center

Still in the rain... Amy, me, and Jamie
Me, Abby, Kelly (my manager), and Amy in the cabin

All of us at an Italian Resteraunt in Gatlinburg. My manager Kelly, Jamie, Amber, my co-worker, Abby, Beth, and Amy
Then, Virginia Beach! Apparently there is no cussing on the streets of Virginia Beach - here's me by one of the signs!
My sister Audrey on the beach...

View of beach from boardwalk
A walk on the boardwalk...
Picture of the beach
Me walking around VA Beach area at night
Pictures from watching the sunrise on the beach. God's artwork, pure beauty...






My sister and I on the beach one night